sinking in way too deep, i won't care what that think...

i'm still not used to my mothers facade sometimes...
why do i sleep (literally) on such a great opportunity? I just hope i can wake up early enough to get my shit together.
funny quote of the day: "people was gettin away from me like i had the plague!" (delivered by a woman wearing a germ mask outside of Sav-On

shut your mouth we're gonna do it my way

(maybe i should start naming where i grab the subject lines from?..or ya'll can just ask)
so anyway... i was talkin to a few people this week and there has been a general vibe about the dating world...
WOMEN HAVE ALL (if not most) POWER IN THE DATING GAME.
now i can't take the credit for coming up with the idea. i owe it to the brit-com "coupling" (that reminds me ...someone wanna get me season 2 for the holidays?). The point is this ... at the end of the day, it's the woman who knows whether or not the man (or other woman for that matter) is gonna be gettin any. men stress their balls out trying to get in good with the woman all for the hopes that he MIGHT get lucky. We men can jump fences, fight fires, sail the seven seas and we STILL aren't positive if we are gonna get some action. On the other hand, for the most part, all a woman has to do is say "yes". Now how hard is that. I remember during one of these conversations with someone, i was just sayin... "damn, if i we a girl (shaddup mufuckas... i already KNOW some of ya'll are talkin shit), i'd be ho-ing it" (but then again probably not...too self conscious) Now some will debate with me ...but to those i bring another point. If a man were to control where and when he could get it... if he isn't just a man-whore, he's a rapist.... "

bury me in sorrow, cover me in joy

enter another wonderful installment in the wonderful world of randomness...

sometimes an old CD is like a warm old friend (nada surf..."high/low")
the moon is really really bright tonight...
y tu mama tambien was extremely sexy... even though i caught it in the middle (luisa was unconventionally sexy)
getting one number right in the lotto, i've noticed, makes me very happy...even though i'm still broke...
lil conicidences make the world a smaller place ...but a comfortable one..
out of sight, out of mind is cliche...but still true... very true..
when you find ANYTHING in your pocket..it makes me smile ...even if it's just melted (or soft) gummi bears ...
i hope i didn't break my palm... i forgot to hot sync some shit...time to stick to pen and pad..

the long and winding road

people always say, "take the road less travelled".... but me being the stupid guy that i am... i always see it LITERALLY first, THEN i apply it to the metaphor...(i think that it must make sense in order for it to be a good metaphor)... so here we go...ferch gonna break this bitch down...
i think people take the beaten path because it's FAMILIAR. and since it is familiar, it is also more comfortable...like an old shoe (but that's ANOTHER metaphor). It's like driving through the fog (which we've down in diego have been doin a lot of lately). If you are on a road that you already know...you might be able to shoot down that road with ease. You know where all the twists and turns are, and how fast you should really go before that curve in the road. You can pretty much blaze through that road... (don't try this at home kids). On the other hand, if it's a road you've never been on, you drive slow as shit...or not even go on that road at all. if you do speed on through, you risk crashing. so here we go kids... "road less travelled" v2.0...

"take the road less travelled...with caution"
...or else your ass gon' crash...hahha

where did mary go?

what the hell am i thinking today?... all kinds of crap running thourhg my head... i have events that go down in my life that i just wanna jot down sometimes ...or later in my head ...i'd be like "i should blog that shit" ...and alas, when i hit the computer ..it's like as if the seat in front of the computer is a memory drain...i just end up hitting my dailies ..and then when i get to this thing ...i'm like "...shit" ...don't remember a damn thing... or if i do remember, i'll end up forgetting because i'll have surfed my dailies by then ...and then whatever i intended to write...boom...gone...(or would "poof" have been more appropriate?)... and once again i forgot what i was going to write ...maybe i'll just do a recap tonight...(if i remember)

i wanna feel passion, i wanna feel pain...

woke up to "chasing amy" playing in the other room... made it outta bed in time to hear the SCENE... if ya'll have seen the movie, it's the dreaded "more than just friends" speech... and if you haven't seen the movie, you will not realize the weight that the particular scene carried. ironically enough, lani and i were JUST talkin about the movie yesterday... so it's nice that it was on ... the dialogue always warmed my heart...(call me corny, but i shall retort to a muthafuckas face if need be).

last night, la, c-lo, bex and i went to go play pool... it was ok. we didn't get there till about a little after midnight... people hate first impressions, myself included... i feel as if i did everything in my power though to make the situation more comfortable... but understandably it was 3 old friends vs. 1... i THOUGHT that would make it easier to reinforce it being a strictly friendly thing, just so she could meet more peoples ya know ..but whaddever... but spent dollars regardless...

speaking of which, i am now officially broke... when i got my heavily anticipated check on friday, alas it was less than a benjamin. gawdamn! ... actually, i think it's gone already... guess it's time to start selling some of my CDs back and some of my movies just to make shit up for it ...or i could sell more pieces ...time to put my stuff on e-bay again i guess... back to the old cutting board... but then again ..i DID say it's going to be an arts and crafts x-mas...just gotta make the time.

while we are on the time tip...i do believe that there is always a reason and a time and a place for everything..kinda like fate, but in a less romanticized fashion... i was at work on wednesday ...and a VERY interesting job op came up ... one of those, right place-right time, type of things... this woman was buying something for her boyfriend (that was pretty much the only part that sucked), and i was just doing my regular ferch-thing...but she was diggin me..(well, my attitude and personality that is)... and she wanted me for a pretty good op... more on that later tho ...don't wanna get into TOO many specifics and jinx my ass.

dope ass "come close" (by common) remix on dublab right now with q-tip, pharrel, and erykah...dope shit ad i've never heard this before...it's making me not type and just listen to the damn song... (nice lil tribute to bonita applebum in the song)... mixed in with ...bjork? ...yowza ..trip out.

as usual..there was more i wanted to say ...but alas ..i am at a loss for words

we come from a land down under...

strangest dream last night i swear. i dreamt i was in austrailia for some odd reason. i was visiting some friends down there (which i'm pretty sure i don't have any, maybe except for nemo...haha). but what was weird was i went with someone that i consider pretty close to me, you know those strictly platonic ones... but it was weird in the dream, it wasn't like that at all ..it wasn't like we were together ..but it was like we did the whole hold hands thing ...and cuddle type of shit ...but if felt nice (as nice as it could feel in a dream i suppose) it wasn't up until when i was tryin to read something in my dream that i was sure said something else. but when i came back to it, it was completely different... that's when i knew i was dreaming (as if being in australia didn't tell me otherwise)... and i snapped outta my dream ...back to the platonic world..

dr.seuss... awe-inspiring, mike myers... playful.
dr.seuss+mike myers= AWFUL...
yeah i was pretty damn dissappointed...and i went in THINKIN it was gonna SUCK ...and it STILL sucked...damn.... now i like the two seperately...but together was horrible ..blame it on a bad script or blame it on really really bad jokes ... it had it's moments ...but i wouldn't show this movie to kids at all....acid-heads only...

here in my car, i feel safe as can be...

oh how that statement holds so true.... woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning... had to get out of the house... a little chill break if you will. so i took my usual sunday morning drive.

in your car, no one can see you (well, yeah they can...but normally you don't give a shit).

99 problems but...

well, gawddamn! ... i knew as soon as i woke up i shoulda just went back to bed yesterday ...nuttin BUT problems ...with a few shinin moments inbetween that made the problems just feel like pre-karma that needed to be served before i get the dessert... (did that make ANY sense?...fukk it i hope so).

lemme start with the first bad thing/good thing... on my way to work i decided to get some jack in the crack (rather than turnin back for my smokes...pat on the back)... and the line was FOREVER ...but the point is there was a lady three cars behind the window honkin and hollerin ..."WHAT THE HELLLL!!?!" ...she even got out of her car ...stomped all the way to the drive up window ... blabbed some ish at the poor people at the window, and then took forever just to get back to her car... (SHE ended up holdin the line for some bit..ironic). after that i was like ...man ..some people... that was the bad thing... the good thing was after that i took the exit just to run into traffic (granted the traffic wasn't the good thing). the cause of the traffic was a roll over accident with a black gmc suv... JUST happened because all kinds of people were pulled over on the sideS of the road... off hand i counted maybe 6 cars including 2 crotch rocket cats trying to help the person out... the biker boyZ were like "try and turn off the car! her wheels are still turnin!" ...three people were trying to help the lady walk it off... the old filipina looked all shook up, whis is TRULY understandable... shit like that restores my faith in the goodness of people.

then the inbetween karma stuff... there was work... then met up with lani, apple, c-lo, and big mike at the bucks... oh yeah..dooney too..damn that dog is as cute as a button, (and that reference was not the MANLYest thing in the world)...then apple, c-lo and i went to bento where they took forever with the check... but they're normally good...lot of new workers...then c-lo and i met up with lani to go check out some malls for books...then we went home to get ready for lani's lil b-day celebration at star bar... now here is where it gets bad again..

so we are at the light at 6th and broadway (right across from 'on broadway') and when the light turns green... my baby wouldn't go!!! we i'm here tryin to shift this car for two or more light durations... and then i'm like fuck it ...we push it to 5th and there was a parking garage there ...but we couldn't make it up the hill ...it did kick in gear again...so we tried to take it in the lot ...but the doOD made us stop and pay the ticket for parkin ...THEN THE CAR GOT OUTTA GEAR AGAIN! ...so we had to PUSH it up to the SECOND floor ...thank God some doOD came and helped us too... so there's the "faith in the goodness..." thing again .... so all the way to star bar i couldn't help but think about the car ...rackin my brain ...but i was like ..well, AAA is 24 hours ..so imma call when i get drunk ...if i'm gettin towed anyway, might as well get tossed... so we went to star bar ...and met these pretty rad chicks ... but that's another story...let's just say good karma was spread throughout.... aight ya'll...let's both (the reader and the writer) celebrate getting to the end of the longest blog ever from me. woo hoo!!! ..pass me a drink.

do you remember the time...

oh mike...what have you gotten yourself into now...talented bastard, but a sick fuck...BUT THEN AGAIN ...innocent until proven guilty right? ...well, not in this media scrutinzed world... gots to PROVE your innocence ...maybe they should change the saying to that instead...

oh lil kim... what would biggie say if he saw you doing old navy commercials?...

all these blogs, xangas, and live jounals have turned into a strange voyeuristic fetish form most... but do people get scared when they know people read it? ...do they become more reserved and concerned with what they say? and what if people link through other links who linkn through other links ...absolutely perfect strangers reading this crazy shit ..fuck it ...imma try and bring the unadulterated, brutally funky ass honesty beyyyyyoch...haha ...

oh bla di oh bla da...

down by the pad, we have (lemme correct myself, HAD) a drive-in. they tore it down not too long ago... maybe a month or so. but i always got some comfort in seeing it on a drive back home. it's weird that it really, really only hit me today .."that sucks ass"

also another part of my usual drive home is gone. there was a lone horse that was surrounded by a simple metal bar barrier. on the way to school, i'd always look at him/her, and wondered if it was ever lonely... or did it not care because it never knew what it was like to NOT be alone. but when i drove by today, the sun had just set and it was right in the middle of dusk. i turned to see if the horse was there... but all i saw was ballons at first. i tried to get a closer glance as i passed, but i didn't see the horse. i wondered how long has she/he been gone. i guessed not too long; the mylar balloons were still flying, but the helium ones were almost a bad metaphor for a dead horse.... but that'd be too obvious

i FINALLY get the damn MILKSHAKE reference ...maybe if i had more of a pig mentality, i woulda got it faster... but regardless ...it just makes the song THAT much better... if i am coming off as sarcastic... partially, but FORRILS ...i dig the song.

got over a major speed bump that was in my way as far as school was concerned ...sometimes you just gotta swallow your pride.

i've said it once before but it bears repeating...

aside it being a lyric in a song i'm listening to at this very second, today's title has no real reference as to what's to follow right now. (but it is a pretty funky ass cover... "fell in love with a boy"- Joss Stone)

it's random catch up time!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY B-DAY to LANI! ...my beautiful, feminist, sista... kiss them benefits goodbye miss.

speaking of lani... me and her were at paul's house and the other night, smoking on his porch (that's a funny lookin word). Then i had mentioned that i could feel my bones getting old. DAMN ...i wish i remember this bitch verbatim ...but alas i do not...but mentioned getting older and ...FUCK!!! ...damn i knew i shoulda logged this earlier ... but something like ...we're getting old, but we don't realize that we've lived a good life until we are 60 .... but then i responded with, "well, then why not LIFE the good life TILL 60 ...well, and maybe more..instead of TRYING to live a good one." ...well, SOMETHING like that...

so i have succumbed, and am now on myspace.com. damn ...find me, because you know i'm too damn lazy to try and find people sometimes.... 'nuff said.

on track to transfer... finally ....just gotta get a lil speed bump outta the way

doing more stencils again.... and they are some of my best shit.

and now ...it seems like i'm just running outta words...so adieu.

my aim is true...

yesterday, i asked la if we were past crying to each other. not necessarily are we OVER it ...but has it gone past the point that we can't anymore. her response was something to the extent of, well, we pretty much already know the answers we'll get if we go to each other. if she came up to me with some problem ...she'd know what i'd say. if i came up to her ...likewise.
is it a good thing when you already know someone's answer? sure it is, in some ways. it shows that you know a person well enough that you know how'd they'd react to your inquiry. because sometimes you always bombard them with the same problems and the same shit. (not that it really is shit). but sometimes don't we just want a little affirmation?
it's nice to get someone behind you, and support your decisions... but check this out. if you already know what your friends are going to say, then i suppose you go to the friends who are going to give you the answers you want...
but back to affirmation. i think the big thing about affirmation is ...that you know that someone else either feels the same ...or can relate ...either way ..it helps you feel that you are not alone.

what's that you say?

damn those times where you think of something cooler to say AFTER the fact...
you think, and think, and think some more... with no regard to the fact that you can't do shit anymore anyway. that's where you bite your shit and just say ..,oh well.

somewhere, beyond the sea...

dad is watching the finding nemo DVD i bought him for his birthday. didn't know if he was gonna like it... but hey..what can i say, it's a good movie. in my other livejournal thingy, i had mentioned something about passing legacies. but i forgot to type about how we'd raise our kids...
me and some of the guys were having a discussion of how we'd do it. would we be all stern, would we be chill,... how WOULD we bring the pain?... hahahh... well, of course we could never really tell until it happens... but we just thought it interesting. one of us, said they'd be just like their dad as much as he hated it. he thought the discipline he received was what was necessary. we laughed and joked about the times when we had to do the whole "this is gonna hurt me more that it'll hurt you" thing. then another one of us said they'd love their kids so much and be all chill... but when the shit goes down ...they better be ready ... i think i like that approach. because they KNOW they fuct up when they made a chill pop like you get all mad ... me personally,...i just hope i do well.

...but nothing gets crossed out.

i haven't been with myself in a long time. maybe that also means that i haven't been myself either. but that's just me thinkin too much.
sometimes, i think that i put too much on my plate. and it overwhelms me to a point where the chip on my shoulder is almost overbearing and i end up succumbing to the pressure. but i did say ALMOST. but i know i bring that on myself and i often question why i even decide to take stuff up. (this is just be being really general, so bear with me...but then again ..nothing specific was intended).
but alas...it's time to stick to my guns, and get some ish done.

i'll make it through the day with some help...

i hate to hear about shit like that...
r.i.p. elliott smith

p.s. ironic

i want a perfect soul...

sometimes i believe that i'm a good hearted person. well, for the most part i believe that anyway. i couldn't think of any reason to think otherwise. but i guess there are some people that are hard to please. wonder who those people are? do i wish to be bothered by their presence? well, i guess if i use the word "bother", i guess not. it's just that if i believe that i'm a good person, why am i so damn conflicted. why can't i just go out into the world and be me. if the only thing i have backing me up, is my word and myself. i know that i'll at least be ok. but is mediocrity what i'm looking for? what happened to perfection? i guess it's not there. i used to have a saying "perfection is imperfection". i stand by it still. i just wish that other people would be more accepting of the fact too. what the hell am i rambling about one may ask ...don't worry ...i just liked the way the keyboard sounded when my fingers struck the keys ...so i just kept on typing whatever the fuck i was thinkin ...don't take something from it ...but if you do ...take this ...

absolutely nothing...thanks for wasting your time.hahahah

let the re"evolution" begin!!!

time for re-evaluation, revolutions, and evolution again. I know there are some things that i need to cut out, and some thing that i need to start doing. Without getting too into details i have to sit backand really see who is who, and i'm extremely grateful for the people that i already do know that i can confide in, and confide in me... and i appreciate them so much, to the point that i don't know if they would ever truly understand. but that's besides the point...

aside from evaluating what's going on around me... it's also good that i'm beginning to TRY and break out my (not-so) little shell. i guess it's just a matter of taking it step by step and making these little changes here and there. if i could have made big moves before...i can sure as hell do it again... maybe i should shoot higher.

being blunt is getting a lil easier by the day... but still not a comfy shoe. gotta break these bad boys in. you know what's funny tho.. when you turn a new leaf and some old "friends" come back around. because now, they see this totally different image, and i some renewed light has been shed upon some past events.... suggesting that if i was this person who i am now, things would have been different...which brings me to another point ...but i'll save that for later, for this is getting too long for a cat like me with self diagnosed ADD ...

ode to...

mistakes in the past, i've made many...
but now, i'm ready to make few.
but if i am on the verge of falling, just let me.
because i'd like to hurt just like you.

what i once thought...

what happened to us?
change is inevitable, but we've changed independently.
was the feeling of friendship not reciprocated?
have i done something to make you feel that way?
all this time i thought it was me.
but it hurts to see you so distant, even if you are in front of my face.
if your eyes aren't rolling back, they feel empty.
where there once was (what i once thought) love, i feel nothing...
i lied ...where there once was love, i now feel pain.
i was never important to you as you were to me... and it took a lot of time to see that. maybe because, i was hoping it wasn't true...
can i just push it off and say, "oh well". i wish i could....i wish i will... i wish.
if it were cliche, would it just be ironic?

how to build walls...101

it's kind of hard to break down walls, when you are so damn used to building them ...

instead of walls, its more like an igloo that surrounds your world and when you come outside, for some odd reason, it feels so cold. so you develop these hermit habits.

no more open door policy here. you have to bang that muthafucka down man in order to gain entrance ...but only those adamant enough will succeed. but is it worth the effort?... for most, i think it really isn't. what do THEY have to gain?

since most are selfish anyway, if there is nothing to gain, why bother? granted, thinkin that if some things don't cater towards my ideal situations or what i thought of them to be... i get a little disheartened. but then adjust and adapt ...

if adjusting and adapting seem to fail, i have pre-programmed responses for just about anything. these require no thinkin or rational thought at all...so i can just spit em out. which will lead us back to our initial problem... with these responses... it generates a facade and any prior sense of there being a real genuine version of me is lost in the mix or "translation" if you will.

eh ...that's a whole lotta ramble... if you get it, congrats...because i almost don't... the fingers are just hitting the keys man ... more preprogrammed shit again i guess ...haha...

It's all about your perspective

Today, at work, i met this guy. Greeted him with the usual, "how ya doin?" and he completely caught me off guard with how negative he was. He said something to the extent of, "God hates me, and i'm pretty sure that im going to hell." He was so convinced that he was damned since birth it was a trip... and he was sincere about it. At first, i was left speechless. But then answered... "well, if that's the way you think, might as well make the best of it."

After work was Ana & Kirin's Housewarming/Birthday party, and i totally forgot it was a potluck and i was assigned drinks. So i had to get up off my ass and go buy em. As i was walkin away to get the drinks i was thinkin, "i'm going to get drinks by myself." For a split second, i wondered if someone was going to bring up the rear and follow shortly... but that's was a very quick split second. bet God thought it was a funny sight when i was tryin to carry back 6 two liters, 2 12 packs, 2 bags of ice, & 2 half-gallons of ice cream. I swear i was losing circulation to my arms due to the plastic bags just digging into them. After one of the bags broke, i finally broke down and called for help. well, at least sometimes your friends are there. it's amazing how just a simple drink run can affect one emotionally. well, at least i'm don't think i'm damned since birth.

you know, it's been almost 2 years now, and nothing has changed....that's all for now... i just couldn't believe that this is still here and somewhat workin

February seems so cold.

I went for a drive again...
Maybe i should drive less, it puts stress on my car.
Sometimes it seems as if i venture aimlessly;
This time i've found direction and a wanted destination.
The heater in my car isn't in the best condition,
On the other hand, i might get a new one.
Not a heater, but a car that is.
Either way, I'd be happier.
Decisions.