...but nothing gets crossed out.
i haven't been with myself in a long time. maybe that also means that i haven't been myself either. but that's just me thinkin too much.
sometimes, i think that i put too much on my plate. and it overwhelms me to a point where the chip on my shoulder is almost overbearing and i end up succumbing to the pressure. but i did say ALMOST. but i know i bring that on myself and i often question why i even decide to take stuff up. (this is just be being really general, so bear with me...but then again ..nothing specific was intended).
but alas...it's time to stick to my guns, and get some ish done.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
i'll make it through the day with some help...
i hate to hear about shit like that...
r.i.p. elliott smith
p.s. ironic
i hate to hear about shit like that...
r.i.p. elliott smith
p.s. ironic
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
i want a perfect soul...
sometimes i believe that i'm a good hearted person. well, for the most part i believe that anyway. i couldn't think of any reason to think otherwise. but i guess there are some people that are hard to please. wonder who those people are? do i wish to be bothered by their presence? well, i guess if i use the word "bother", i guess not. it's just that if i believe that i'm a good person, why am i so damn conflicted. why can't i just go out into the world and be me. if the only thing i have backing me up, is my word and myself. i know that i'll at least be ok. but is mediocrity what i'm looking for? what happened to perfection? i guess it's not there. i used to have a saying "perfection is imperfection". i stand by it still. i just wish that other people would be more accepting of the fact too. what the hell am i rambling about one may ask ...don't worry ...i just liked the way the keyboard sounded when my fingers struck the keys ...so i just kept on typing whatever the fuck i was thinkin ...don't take something from it ...but if you do ...take this ...
absolutely nothing...thanks for wasting your time.hahahah
sometimes i believe that i'm a good hearted person. well, for the most part i believe that anyway. i couldn't think of any reason to think otherwise. but i guess there are some people that are hard to please. wonder who those people are? do i wish to be bothered by their presence? well, i guess if i use the word "bother", i guess not. it's just that if i believe that i'm a good person, why am i so damn conflicted. why can't i just go out into the world and be me. if the only thing i have backing me up, is my word and myself. i know that i'll at least be ok. but is mediocrity what i'm looking for? what happened to perfection? i guess it's not there. i used to have a saying "perfection is imperfection". i stand by it still. i just wish that other people would be more accepting of the fact too. what the hell am i rambling about one may ask ...don't worry ...i just liked the way the keyboard sounded when my fingers struck the keys ...so i just kept on typing whatever the fuck i was thinkin ...don't take something from it ...but if you do ...take this ...
absolutely nothing...thanks for wasting your time.hahahah
let the re"evolution" begin!!!
time for re-evaluation, revolutions, and evolution again. I know there are some things that i need to cut out, and some thing that i need to start doing. Without getting too into details i have to sit backand really see who is who, and i'm extremely grateful for the people that i already do know that i can confide in, and confide in me... and i appreciate them so much, to the point that i don't know if they would ever truly understand. but that's besides the point...
aside from evaluating what's going on around me... it's also good that i'm beginning to TRY and break out my (not-so) little shell. i guess it's just a matter of taking it step by step and making these little changes here and there. if i could have made big moves before...i can sure as hell do it again... maybe i should shoot higher.
being blunt is getting a lil easier by the day... but still not a comfy shoe. gotta break these bad boys in. you know what's funny tho.. when you turn a new leaf and some old "friends" come back around. because now, they see this totally different image, and i some renewed light has been shed upon some past events.... suggesting that if i was this person who i am now, things would have been different...which brings me to another point ...but i'll save that for later, for this is getting too long for a cat like me with self diagnosed ADD ...
time for re-evaluation, revolutions, and evolution again. I know there are some things that i need to cut out, and some thing that i need to start doing. Without getting too into details i have to sit backand really see who is who, and i'm extremely grateful for the people that i already do know that i can confide in, and confide in me... and i appreciate them so much, to the point that i don't know if they would ever truly understand. but that's besides the point...
aside from evaluating what's going on around me... it's also good that i'm beginning to TRY and break out my (not-so) little shell. i guess it's just a matter of taking it step by step and making these little changes here and there. if i could have made big moves before...i can sure as hell do it again... maybe i should shoot higher.
being blunt is getting a lil easier by the day... but still not a comfy shoe. gotta break these bad boys in. you know what's funny tho.. when you turn a new leaf and some old "friends" come back around. because now, they see this totally different image, and i some renewed light has been shed upon some past events.... suggesting that if i was this person who i am now, things would have been different...which brings me to another point ...but i'll save that for later, for this is getting too long for a cat like me with self diagnosed ADD ...
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
what i once thought...
what happened to us?
change is inevitable, but we've changed independently.
was the feeling of friendship not reciprocated?
have i done something to make you feel that way?
all this time i thought it was me.
but it hurts to see you so distant, even if you are in front of my face.
if your eyes aren't rolling back, they feel empty.
where there once was (what i once thought) love, i feel nothing...
i lied ...where there once was love, i now feel pain.
i was never important to you as you were to me... and it took a lot of time to see that. maybe because, i was hoping it wasn't true...
can i just push it off and say, "oh well". i wish i could....i wish i will... i wish.
if it were cliche, would it just be ironic?
what happened to us?
change is inevitable, but we've changed independently.
was the feeling of friendship not reciprocated?
have i done something to make you feel that way?
all this time i thought it was me.
but it hurts to see you so distant, even if you are in front of my face.
if your eyes aren't rolling back, they feel empty.
where there once was (what i once thought) love, i feel nothing...
i lied ...where there once was love, i now feel pain.
i was never important to you as you were to me... and it took a lot of time to see that. maybe because, i was hoping it wasn't true...
can i just push it off and say, "oh well". i wish i could....i wish i will... i wish.
if it were cliche, would it just be ironic?
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
how to build walls...101
it's kind of hard to break down walls, when you are so damn used to building them ...
instead of walls, its more like an igloo that surrounds your world and when you come outside, for some odd reason, it feels so cold. so you develop these hermit habits.
no more open door policy here. you have to bang that muthafucka down man in order to gain entrance ...but only those adamant enough will succeed. but is it worth the effort?... for most, i think it really isn't. what do THEY have to gain?
since most are selfish anyway, if there is nothing to gain, why bother? granted, thinkin that if some things don't cater towards my ideal situations or what i thought of them to be... i get a little disheartened. but then adjust and adapt ...
if adjusting and adapting seem to fail, i have pre-programmed responses for just about anything. these require no thinkin or rational thought at all...so i can just spit em out. which will lead us back to our initial problem... with these responses... it generates a facade and any prior sense of there being a real genuine version of me is lost in the mix or "translation" if you will.
eh ...that's a whole lotta ramble... if you get it, congrats...because i almost don't... the fingers are just hitting the keys man ... more preprogrammed shit again i guess ...haha...
it's kind of hard to break down walls, when you are so damn used to building them ...
instead of walls, its more like an igloo that surrounds your world and when you come outside, for some odd reason, it feels so cold. so you develop these hermit habits.
no more open door policy here. you have to bang that muthafucka down man in order to gain entrance ...but only those adamant enough will succeed. but is it worth the effort?... for most, i think it really isn't. what do THEY have to gain?
since most are selfish anyway, if there is nothing to gain, why bother? granted, thinkin that if some things don't cater towards my ideal situations or what i thought of them to be... i get a little disheartened. but then adjust and adapt ...
if adjusting and adapting seem to fail, i have pre-programmed responses for just about anything. these require no thinkin or rational thought at all...so i can just spit em out. which will lead us back to our initial problem... with these responses... it generates a facade and any prior sense of there being a real genuine version of me is lost in the mix or "translation" if you will.
eh ...that's a whole lotta ramble... if you get it, congrats...because i almost don't... the fingers are just hitting the keys man ... more preprogrammed shit again i guess ...haha...
Sunday, October 12, 2003
It's all about your perspective
Today, at work, i met this guy. Greeted him with the usual, "how ya doin?" and he completely caught me off guard with how negative he was. He said something to the extent of, "God hates me, and i'm pretty sure that im going to hell." He was so convinced that he was damned since birth it was a trip... and he was sincere about it. At first, i was left speechless. But then answered... "well, if that's the way you think, might as well make the best of it."
After work was Ana & Kirin's Housewarming/Birthday party, and i totally forgot it was a potluck and i was assigned drinks. So i had to get up off my ass and go buy em. As i was walkin away to get the drinks i was thinkin, "i'm going to get drinks by myself." For a split second, i wondered if someone was going to bring up the rear and follow shortly... but that's was a very quick split second. bet God thought it was a funny sight when i was tryin to carry back 6 two liters, 2 12 packs, 2 bags of ice, & 2 half-gallons of ice cream. I swear i was losing circulation to my arms due to the plastic bags just digging into them. After one of the bags broke, i finally broke down and called for help. well, at least sometimes your friends are there. it's amazing how just a simple drink run can affect one emotionally. well, at least i'm don't think i'm damned since birth.
Today, at work, i met this guy. Greeted him with the usual, "how ya doin?" and he completely caught me off guard with how negative he was. He said something to the extent of, "God hates me, and i'm pretty sure that im going to hell." He was so convinced that he was damned since birth it was a trip... and he was sincere about it. At first, i was left speechless. But then answered... "well, if that's the way you think, might as well make the best of it."
After work was Ana & Kirin's Housewarming/Birthday party, and i totally forgot it was a potluck and i was assigned drinks. So i had to get up off my ass and go buy em. As i was walkin away to get the drinks i was thinkin, "i'm going to get drinks by myself." For a split second, i wondered if someone was going to bring up the rear and follow shortly... but that's was a very quick split second. bet God thought it was a funny sight when i was tryin to carry back 6 two liters, 2 12 packs, 2 bags of ice, & 2 half-gallons of ice cream. I swear i was losing circulation to my arms due to the plastic bags just digging into them. After one of the bags broke, i finally broke down and called for help. well, at least sometimes your friends are there. it's amazing how just a simple drink run can affect one emotionally. well, at least i'm don't think i'm damned since birth.
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